Cursing the abyss

Thank god for Melatonin. Really.

Despite an angry/depressed fit of unrest yesterday evening about work and school and how I'm pretty much trapped into working a good 13 out of 24 hours of the day and how this consequently gives me little time to spend with the boy or even just relax on my own, I slept well. Depsite feeling hopeless and helpless and like I was chasing my own tail, I was not troubled with strange bad dreams.

Of course, crying to the boy about it all before bed helped too, but it was the Melatonin that kept me (mostly) blissfuly asleep through the night to wake relatively refreshed and over it today.

Sometimes I hate being a Cancer. Or rather, a smart Cancer. See, I know damn well that everything will be ok - hell, more than ok - in the end, and that while things seem to be going slower than a stoned slug in winter right now, once I do graduate a little over a year from now I'll look back and wonder just where the hell that year went. And I'll wonder what I was bitching about.

I know this. My emotions just like to conveniently ignore or refuse to accept it at times. Those times usually don't last long - an hour, two hours - but they leave me shaken and angry and feeling disgusted with myself for once again falling into a black hole of despair despite allll my firm logical reasoning with myself. This means that even once I'm over whatever dragged me down, I'm still feeling a bit ... yucky, and embarassed. So today I'm a wee bit disgusted at myself, but it's ok, because it will be ok.

I'm completely level-headed in so many areas of life. Why can't I be level-headed when it comes to stuff like this? Yeah, work sucks (really, really badly lately, so that even hours after I've been at home I'm still in a foul-ish mood) and school demands most of the time I'm not at work, but it's not that bad, and it's for a damn good cause.

I have a job. I have a place to live, and someone who loves me very, very much (did I mention we are talking about marriage, and have tentatively planned it to coincide with the break I'll be taking between graduating with my Bachelor's and going for my Master's degree? I'm excited!!!) I have amazing support for school from family, friends, and this man who will be my husband in a little over a year. I'm healthier than a damn good amount of the general population, despite arthritis, gastritis and a lack of physical fitness. I have a (mostly) level head on my shoulders, a pretty good grasp of financial matters, and aside from the rare Cancerian-nature-induced psychotic feeling, I'm usually a damn nice person no matter how much people may piss me off, disgust me, etc.

Life is good. It's jus really, really hard to see that sometimes, when the same nature that makes me so damn friendly gets in the way and makes me despair. I get over it, but it leaves me a little older and a little more worn each time.

I'm feeling kinda tattered, but I'm still in one piece. I just need to remember that when that yawning abyss of anger and helplessness opens up and beckons. The abyss will always be there and I need to learn how to get past it, or one day I'll fall too far and find I've lost my way back again. I don't intend to let that happen, so damn you, moodiness, and thank you friends, family, blogosphere and Melatonin.

Another reason to love October

At cuteoverload.com (my favoritest site) the month of October is lovingly referred to as 'Tocktober, 'tocks being short for buttocks, of course. This means there is at least one photo per day of some cute animal's 'tocks, and this one just about did me in. It's a hampster butt, fer goodness sakes. Who'd ever think to notice - much less take a photo of - a hampster butt???

I love it. It's so ... so ... hampster-like. Very prosh (another C.O. term).

Photo submitted to cuteoverload.com by Vivian W. Too friggin' cute, and there's a side-view, too, if you go to the site yourself.

Happy 'Tocktober, peoples.

Good God. It's morning.

It's 7:01 on a monday morning, second day of my third term in college. I'm eating cooling peaches and cream oatmeal and my hair is the longest it's been in upwards of seven years. I'm calming (slowly, in my own time and way) because I know that with our next check each, the boy and I will be able to pay off the bills we had to let sit this time around as well as a few we let slide a month or two, becuase we couldn't pay them. And, we'll have enough money leftover to make it through to the paycheck after that fairly easily. (Not and have play-money for junk and fun and stuff, but that's ok. That will come.)

I'm uneasy despite the calming because I took a look at all the reading I'll have to do just for phase one of my two new classes and, well, it's a whole friggin' lot of reading. Unless I'm routinely stayong up till midnight or later, I don't know how I'll read it all and research and attend four-days-a-week, hour-long chats and pull all the information read and researched into any semblance of A-worthy assignments, and not fall asleep or go on a rampage at work.

I'm a little curious, a little cautious, a little nervous, and at the same time I know damn well that this is how each term starts and everything will be ok, as it always is. Which makes me fell a bit overdramatic with the worrying, but as Mama Wren reminded me not too long ago, I've always been a worrier, even when I was a wee one who "woowied" about a gift for my grandfather (was it father's day? his birthday? I don't know; I was like, four or something.)

It's 7:10 on a monday morning, and I'm a bit exasperated that, yes, I'm your typical Cancer, moods and worries and all.

But, it will be ok. It always is. (See? Typical.) Thirty minutes from now I'll be sipping hot coffee (thank you mom!!!) and will probably be engrossed in some other wild mood than this, happy or sad or angry or giggly or actively non-chalant. And no, I'm not really a pessimist, Or at least not always. Just usually in the mornings.

It's all in a day's work, I suppose. Good morning, all.

When the optimist wakes up, they smile and say, "Good morning, God!" When the pessimist wakes up, they grumble, "Good God. It's morning."

Introducing Ewegene

Meet Ewegene the sheep. Don't let his beady eyes and cute poofiness fool you; he's no simple creature. He lives a very important and thrilling life, dutifully holding down grassy hills and imitating clouds. He's good at what he does.

When properly sheared, he's a world reknown ballerina, opera singer and special agent.

But, he's humble. Yes he is. Just look at those beady little eyes - they say it all.

"I'm good, but I don't have a big head over it."

Welcome to October # 2