Feelin' it

I'm in a considerably better mood today than I was a few days ago with my Christmas card to the void post. Actually, I wasn't really in an actively bad mood that day, it's just that when I began to write all this angst bubbled up and poured out, sort of unexpectedly. I think it was necessary, though, to get it out so I can get on with things.

Have I mentioned that Mama Wren rocks? She called me after having read the post to make sure I was okay and reassure me once again that it really is the thought that counts (and I really do know that, but I like giving gifts to people, regardless) and that actually the subtle rejection I'd felt from certain family members wasn't in my head; it really is just how they are. That helped, because I was beginning to feel like maybe I had imagined it and was being all pouty and whiny. But no; it's just life with these people, and Mama Wren learned long ago and I'm slowly learning now that it doesn't signify dislike, per se, just different views, and I'm learning to begin to let it go. I still have bitter moments crop up now and then - sometimes unexpectedly - but really for the most part, it's all good.

And after having spoken with Mama Wren for a while about the holiday spirit in general I began to feel it, a little bit. She's a smart lady - have I mentioned that? - and she has a great way of explaining things that makes you realize why things feel as they do. Of course I wasn't feeling too Christmassy - I'm working full time, doing school the rest of the time, trying to make ends meet (and succeeding where it really matters, but stressing anyway on the things that could wait but cost more to do so), etc., on top of having little room to decorate to remind my inner six-year-old that Christmas is coming soon. No wonder I felt a little bah-humbuggish. I don't have much time for anything else. So she said she'd look for one of those little table-top Christmas trees that we could put on the end of the coffee table or a shelf, so we'd have a tree at least. Or, I could put ornamnets on the fake treee (I think it's a ficus tree?) that I got for Harry to climb around on outside his cage so he can sit and watch TV with the boy and I.

He really does watch TV with us, given the chance, and his cage is placed so that he can see the TV from it, and there are times when we'll hear him clamber down from a branch and scramble over to the front of his cage. When we look over, he's staring intently across the room at the screen, mesmerized. This usually happens when there are lots of explosions going on in whatever show or movie is on, which amuses me in terms of male stereotyping. Even lizard boys like the idea of blowing shit up.

So Christmas will be just fine. I still want to get gifts for everyone, if I can, and I was just approved for my first ever "real" credit card (I have one already through my bank, but had to pay for it, so it doesn't really count, IMHO). I don't planning on splurging with it, of course (I'm a little cautious of the temptation of credit cards) - I don't even plan on using it unless I need to. In the end we'll be perfectly ok with the bills that need tp be paid right away, and those medical bills can still be slowly paid off, at least for now, without too much in the way of late fees, and will still be able to get at least little things for people. But it's nice to know that if I find something really amazing that I know someone has been looking for for a long time, I could get it for them for Christmas, just because it'll make them smile.

The boy and I will actually have two Christmasses this year - the aforementioned early one with my family and the actual Christmas day with his family. The conflicting work schedules that make essential the earlier gathering actually makes the timing perfect - this way we won't have to split up one day between two families (and two dinners). Further, the boy's parents will be picking up Phoenix that day and bringing him to town, so that he'll be part of that day too. He has a Chrsitmas break from school, and will spend several days with the boy and I before going back home. I know the boy is excited about that, which makes me excited too.

This year really will be more about family than previous years, and I like that. I've alwasy understood the importance of family, but took it for granted. Then I'd read books by great authors (specifically Anne Rice) that outlined long family lines and secrets and events and closeness, and I began to understand what it meant in a way that made more sense than the general vague knowledge of blood ties. And I began to want to know more about my own family. And now, I have the possibility of learning more than I'd vere realized there was to learn, and in the midst of it I've gained a second family - the boy's.

When I let go of the stress of bills and time, I'm really actually pretty damn excited. I just need to remember it. Somehow, I imagine six-year-old-me won't let me forget again.