How to stalk a wily bag of coffee beans

I was cleaning up my Myspace blog and came across this post from almost two years ago, and remembered all over again the silliness and fun of it, so I thought I'd share it here. It's complete nonsense and oddity, with a twist of Animal-Planet to it, for the overly- (or underly-, if that's a word) caffienated. Enjoy.

Random silliness in an otherwise decaffienated world

I have decided that, in my copious free time here at work, I'd like to spend the next few moments being silly. You have been warned.

And so:

Rather than sit like a sack of semi-wet clay slowly molding from the butt up to the shape of my chair, in front of a computer that derives sadistic glee out of crashing at me just to see me twitch, I'd rather be stalking a bag of coffee beans at Starbucks.

Now, understand, coffee-bean bag stalking is not nearly as casual as most coffee-drinkers would have you believe. To the untrained eye, the coffee-drinker who casually strolls up to the shelf in the coffee isle at your local grocery store and grabs a bag with little or no consideration to the vast array of options is being sly and economic, putting forth as little energy as possible in the gathering of the caffiene-bringer. This is, supposedly, in deference to a lack of energy due to the lack of caffiene (hence the gathering action.)

This is, utterly and unabashedly, wrong.

These casual grabbers are simply inexperienced. They're amatuers slogging loudly through the sacred (and oftentimes dangerous, as I'll expand upon later) jungles of coffee-stuffs and coffee-stuff-makers. They stomp upon hallowed ground with no regard to their wrongdoings! I very much hope that the following description of a proper coffee-bean bag hunt helps to awaken them to their sins and prevent future mishap in the form of foil cuts, bag-shaped bruises, and other, more myserious, coffee-stuffs related injuries.

How to properly choose and stalk a wily bag of coffee beans:

1. Finding the wily coffee-bean bag’s territory.
This is the easy part. Finding the hiding places of coffee-bean bags is like finding wet in the rain. To keep things at their most simple, there are two main ways to go about finding coffee-bean bag territory:

A. Follow your nose. When you catch the rich aroma that speaks undeniably of fresh little pellets of caffiene wrapped in devine flavor, walk in a somewhat straightforward manner until you’ve come to the entrance to the bag’s hiding place (this entrance usually takes the form of what we domestiocated beings call a ‘Door;’ however, as in grocery stores and malls wherein a coffee-kiosk is set up, the entrance may well be no more than the imaginary line drawn across an isle determing the boundary between the coffee-kiosk and ‘Everything Else Un-Noteworthy.’)

B. Find a group of other coffee-drinkers. If you can find a large group of coffee-drinkers, whose members shift and change every few minutes as they get their fixes and leave and others arrive to get their own fixes, you can be assured that you have found a ‘watering hole,’ otherwise known as either ‘the coffee isle’ or ‘(Instert Preffered Coffee Shop name here).’ Now, do not balk at the thought of trying to identify other coffee-drinkers; it’s not a challenge at all. Just keep an eye out for the jittery people and those who talk too fast (these would be the ones who’ve already gotten their fix), or for those who are shuffling along half asleep with no regard to traffic and who cannot come up with a response more intelligent than “mmrmmmphhhrguhhh....mmmmn,” to anything said to them (these have not yet had their fixes, and it is best to avoid them until such a time as they can be safely moved in status to the jittery group.) As with following your nose, make your way to the entrance to the coffee-bean bag’s territory, and after scoping the area for stray beans (nasty buggers, those - completely unpredictable!), cautiously enter.

Note: For the sake of space and time, I’ll continue this lesson with the Coffee Shop scenario rather than going over both that and the Coffe Isle scenario, as it is by far the more dangerous of the two, and far more likely to occurr on a daily basis. You may proceed.

2. Getting the lay of the land.
This is absoluetly necessary! I’ve heard too many horror stories of overly-confident hunters who, after finding the territory, refused to take in whatall was *in* said territory. Their bold, blind death-chases left them with chilling wounds, the likes of which are far too graphic to divulge here (but I will tell that not all the wounds were made by cornered coffee-bean bags; quite a few were the results of other coffee-drinkers driven to insane acts of defense when the foil hit the fan. Can’t say I blame them, really. Poor sots.)

Upon your entry to the territory, it is advised to do a walk-about. This is the act of appearing to casually stroll - seemingly without a care in the world - around the territory, all the while taking in every detail, from the direction of the hand-formed squish-crinkles in the (seemingly) unwitting coffee-bags to the grain of the wood anywhere that wood appears. You have *no* idea how important the grain of wood is when it comes to beating a hasty retreat from a mob of enraged coffee-bean bags. Remember that they are much smaller than you, and so these things make a difference. I’d explain, but we’d be here all day (it reads like a cross between high-school physics, Voodoo, instructions for building a go-kart made out of toothpicks - in French - and the unfortunate recipe for Cinnamon Cod Latte.) Please, please, for the sake of photo-journalistic deceny, pay attention to the grain of the wood!

In your walk-about, take note of the placement of possible obstacles in the form of shelves, signs, chair-and-table combos, and other coffee-drinkers and their offspring. All of these things will play a crucial role in your chances of coming away from the hunt not only successful, but with as few java-caked wounds as possible. After you’ve a reasonably clear layout in your head of the territory, carefully and still with an air of carefree-ish-ness, walk quietly to an available chair and, once again scanning for stray beans, sit.

3.Choosing a likely bag.
As I mentioned before, simply going for the nearest bag of coffee beans without taking a look at what all is available is, to put it mildly, a horrendous mistake. I’d say unforgivable, but I’ve been told I’m a bit opinionated and so am attempting ot lighten up; so, ‘horrendous’ will simply have to do. But I digress.

You will have made a seat choice which will position you in such a way that, with minimal movement, you can scan the shelves and display tables around you, thereby observing without being observed (bags are drawn to movement, you know). Get comfortable. You may wish to use props to appear non-threateing; books, newspapers and laptops have proven time and again to be satisfactory in this area. If you do use props, make sure you don’t over do it; yaks, leashed or loose and no matter the time of year, do not make coffee-bean bags feel safe. This has, unfortunately, been proven. I’ve seen the photographs of the resulting carnage, and they ween’t pretty (if anyone tries to tell you that yaks have itchy trigger-hooves, tell them they’ve no idea ... and then slap them.) Please, keep it simple.

Now, after deciding which species of coffee-bean bag you would like, take the time to choose a likely candidate within that group. If needed, carefully re-position your chair so that you are almost facing your target group, but do not face it directly. Bags often see this as a challenge; however, if you don’t look directly at them, they’ll usually ignore you.

You will be looking for signs of weakness. Yes, weakness- although the popular myth is that you want strong, bold coffee and so must have strong, bold coffee-beans, this is simply an ignorant oversight: if enough coffee-beans are ground and brewed in proprtion to the amount of water used, you can make any coffee as strong and bold as you can stand it, and then some. And so, you look for the weakest, remembering that you are in very, very dangerous territory, hunting a being that has caused more psychological meltdowns than any other thing in the world, year after year. (These meltdowns are not reported due to the fact that such reports would upset and unsettle coffee-bean bags worldwide, and the possible uprising of said bags that this could result in is, quite frankly, a harrowing thought.) So, weak is good.

Now, the problem with this is that, like most herd-animals, coffee-bean bags tend to keep their weakest members safely surrounded by those stronger and more able-bodied. It is not neccesary to watch re-runs on the Discovery channel of herds of wildebeest and antelope on African plains, but it helps. Remember: You are the lion, but even lions can fall with an appropriately placed hoof or horn (or in this case, price tag or waft of aromatic caffienated coffee-scent.)

In an act of complete selfishness, you may want to allow other amatuer coffee drinkers to thin the ranks a bit by casually walking up and grabbing just any bag; although they may be harmed through their ignorance, this will drastically reduce the amount of danger you will find yourself in later when going in for the kill. If an amatuer coffee drinker is indeed attacked, do not, under any cirmumstances, interfere. This is nature’s way, and if we were to help them, they may grow used to it and so would never learn to fend for themselves, and no matter how cute they may be, we have no right to sway the path that their futures may naturally take. Even if they cry out to you, weak and looking pathetic, please restrain yourself. In order to distract yourself form any hero-like thoughts that would only result in more pain, try actually using whatever prop you brought along for it’s originally intended purpose: catching up on the news or surfing the Net for pictures of your neighbor in a wet-boxers contest. It’s not heartless; it’s self-preservation.

4. Going in for the kill.
Once you’ve chosen your bag, you must prepare yourself for the kill. This is no small matter; have a care for what you’re about to do. You are about to embark upon an epic journey across vast feet of man-made flooring to stand right at the edge of the beast’s herd. Not even Ceasar would do so without pause for adequate contemplation of his possibly impending death.

I suggest a quiet meditation to center yourself. Remaining nonchalantly in your seat, slowly but dramatically yawn and stretch. The stretch will cause your spine to bend ever so slightly to one side (which side is your preference) and your arms to reach way up over your head, fists clenched. The yawn will do what yawns do; namely, to stretch your face in a rather unflattering manner. The combination will serve two purposes:

A. To reassure the coffee-bean bags that you are harmless and/or too sleepy to be at the top of your game and so are not an overly worrisome threat.

B. To remind you of all those muscles in your torso and arms which, if things go wrong, you may never feel again, or at least not in the same way or placement. Morbid, but there you go.

While stretching and yawning, chant in your head the following: “Isko-orchie dowge ooble itskee ra noorbe.” The translation of this chant was lost long ago, but it is believed to be, in the ancient language of the legendary Java-Javainians, a prayer for quick deliverance in the case of impending death, as well as something to do with opposable thumbs and percolation. I find it quite calming and quietly empowering.

After the completion of this simple meditation, slowly lower your arms, close your mouth, shift in your seat and look around, never letting your eyes rest on any one object for more than a few seconds. This will give the illusion that you are growing bored with your surroundings and so are getting ready to stand up, gather your props, and leave the territory unscathed and peaceful. Glance once more at your chosen bag and mark any changes in placement within the herd, and stand.

Before we continue, I must once again stress the importance of the grain of wood. Take a moment to visualize the depth and texture of the grain, as well as its direction.

Become one with the varnish, and you will suceed.

Now, speed is of the essence, but do not ignore standard agility and flexibility. Looking at an object near to, but not directly next to, the herd of coffee-bean bags, stride forward with a look of curiosity lighting your face. Do not look at your chosen bag except in quick sly glances consisting of a momentarly sliding of eyes under the lids. Do not slow as you approach the herd - slowing will alert them to your act and give them ample opportunity to strike.

As you pass the herd, still looking at your chosen random object of distraction, very quickly reach into the herd and grab your bag very firmly about the midriff and, before any of the bags has a chance to react, withdraw and speed your pace up to an-almost skip for the last few steps to the object of distraction. Keeping a tight, two-handed hold of your bag, turn scan the area for signs of unrest.

If you’re lucky, and your wrist was limber enough and your pace smooth eneough, the bags remaining in the herd will not challenge you, deferring to your obvious dominance in a show of stillness. A few might crinkle nervously, but if you make no more sudden moves their submission will hold.

If you’re not lucky, the ensuing battle will be one you’ll never forget. As all coffee-bean bag herds are different, and follow different rules, I cannot adequately warn you of what may or may not happen. Allow me to observe then that you should immediately make good use of your knowledge of the grain of any nearby wood, grab a sign to use as a shield, and run like hell, overturning tables, chairs, ond other coffee-drinkers in your wake as obstacles for the rampaging bags.

Note: If you are attacked, drop the bag you grabbed immediately! Not only will this possibly pacifiy the other bags, it will prevent you from ending up in the very awkward situation of attempting to explain to the local law enforcement just why you ran out of the Coffee Shop with an unpaid-for bag of coffee-beans.

Assuming that you have sucessfully snatched your chosen bag and not been attacked, calmly follow your normal routine of proceeding to the check-out counter and paying for the bag. Be very careful not to set the bag down, however, even if it means an extra ten or twenty seconds of rummaging one-handed through a purse or wallet for money. Once you’ve set the bag down within its home territory, all bets are off; it is then assumed that you have had second thoughts as to your own strength and resulting ability to hold the bag hostage, and so you will be duly attacked in vengeance for making the bags feel subissive to you even for those few minutes.

I never said they were not beasts of honor and integrity; I simply said they’re highly dangerous. Head-hunters are highly dangerous as well, but that doensn't mean they’re bad people at heart.

So, now that you have sucessfully hunted and taken down a coffee-bean bag, collect your props and leave in a timely manner in respect for the dead and those left to mourn. Have a heart. Go home, or to work, and make a proper sacrifice to the coffee-bean bag’s spirit by promptly grinding the beans and brewing a rich, flavorfull pot of well-earned coffee. Then with all due ceremony, repeat the chant you chanted with your earlier meditation (it is also believed to mean Thank-you in Java-Javanesian) and, finally, drink.

And don’t forget to toast the glorious dead.