Memory from a strange childhood, #1: The Mean Ladies

© C. Vandever 2008

One of my most terrifying memories from very very early childhood - nay, toddlerhood - was of the "Mean Ladies" who used to crawl up onto the bed, under the covers, to eat my toes. Sometimes there was just one Mean Lady, but more often than not it was a horde of them lead by the Queen of Mean Ladies.

The mean ladies were very small, no bigger than my toes themselves, and sometimes just a wee bit smaller, but their heads were large, being more than half of their total body mass. All of the ladies looked exactly the same, with the one exception of the Queen being larger - just a bit bigger than my big toe. They all wore red, at all times, but the actual clothing varied between a red dress with white collar (as shown), a red blouse and red or black skirt, or a red kimono which added to their oriental look. Now, understand that at the time, I had no idea what a kimono was, so that part may be my adult brain connecting whatever strange shift they wore to something real, and this specific connection made because of the distincly oriental look of the ladies. They also, somehow entirely indefinable, looked insectile - I think it was the eyes, which were always closed, and the long thin eyebrows; they looked like antennae at times. Also, the arms and legs, and hands and feet, where entirely smooth, with no fingers or toes or joints of any kind, and were simply thin and black, always black.

On rare occasions, the white collar of their sometimes-dresses would be a pale sky blue, but usually it was white. There was never any variation in the shade of red, or the simplicity of it. No patterns, no textures. No seams. Just red.

I always knew when the mean ladies were coming, and would cry and yell and scream for Mama Wren to come and save me. "MOMMMMEEEEEE!" I'd holler and cry and hunch up under the covers, trying to keep my toes as far from the end of the bed as possible, waiting for rescue. When she'd come running in to see what manner of horror was confronting me, I'd sob, absolutely terrified, "Mommy, the Mean Ladies are coming! The Mean Ladies are going to eat my toes!"

And sure enough, the "biting" would start as my feet woke up. I imagine I probably became frantic at that point, because as you know, you can't stop it from happening, you just ride it out, hurting and stinging and stomping. I was helpless to stop the hordes from eating me alive.

I used to wonder how I knew when they were coming (becuase I always knew a minute or two before they struck, and was never wrong), but after so many years of experience with limbs that have "fallen asleep" since then, I know now that it's just that weird feeling you get before the pins and needles kick in. Not understanding that at the time, nor the perfectly harmless and natural thing that would be just about to happen to my feet, my strange little brain conjured up a monster, as young brains are wont to do. The stinging pain scared me, so it had to be something bad, right - something scary?

What creeps me out to this day is that I don't know where the image of the mean ladies came from. It is very distinct; it always has been, right from the start. They are small, almost toe-shaped things, with large black mouths full of razor sharp teeth, and those mouths are always open and their angry hungry eyes are always closed to slits as they climb up the bedclothes, under the covers at the end of the bed and en masse, slowly due to anatomically-too-short legs (too short even for their anatomically-too-small bodies), march with black arms spread toward trembling toes. They move in unison, and are perfectly rigid, backs curved ever so slightyly forward, and there is the sound like an army, like an insect, but you can only hear it in your head, the way you can only see it in your head.

But the teeth are real - they can be felt slicing and gnawing and chewing, and the Queen of the Mean Ladies always takes the big toe for herself. All the others - and there are dozens of them, constantly joined by more ranks climbing up the sheets - are very disciplined, taking turns to eat and then shambling away, mouths still gaping to show razored white teeth.