I cannot do this anymore

I can't do this alone.

For two and a half years, I have tried to change my eatng habits, and for two and a half years I've failed, time and again. I can't deny what my tatsebuds tell me; I cannot convince them that I like salad, as restricted by what I can and cannot eat. I cannot find, no matter how hard I look, recipes for actual meals, not just tasteless lettuce, made for people who have gastritis.

I have been trying so damned hard lately, and I'm still hurting. Last night for dinner I had minetsrone soup, and when I woke up in the wee hours of the morning this morning, I was in pain again. I'm in pain right now.

I cannot even eat one small bowl of soup without hurting.

I hate this.

I am angry, I am sad, I am depressed. I don't want to eat anymore because I can't eat anything that actually tastes good, but I know I have to eat to stay alive. So that's what it's become: a daily painful ritual of cramming fuel into my body to stay alive, and every day I die a little more in my heart.

I need help with this, and I can't find any. I'm going to call my doctor today and set up an appointment to see about what can be done, either by going to a dietician or seeing if there are any medication that I can take on a daily basis so that I can at least eat a fucking sandwich with more than one slice of meat, one slice of cheese, and cardboard-delicious lettuce on it. I can't do this anymore; I can't face, each day, the desire for something even mildly satisfying (even simply tomato or pickle on said sandwich would be heavenly right now) and the truth not being allowed to have that. I cannot face things that I cannot taste simply to survive. I am not a machine; I need food, not fuel.

I hate myself that I cannot do this, that I continue to fail, that I continue to hurt myself, that I continue to break down crying because of this. I hate that no matter how hard I try, I have not been able to learn to enjoy the things that I am limited to. I never liked them before I had gastritis, and having it has not changed that - cannot change that it seems. I hate being depressed, and the fact that I let myself be depressed about this, but - like my tastebuds - I cannot convince myself to just "get over it." Gods know I've tried.

I need help, or I will wither away not for lack of food, but for lack of happiness; this has come to ovverride anything else, no matter how sweet, going on in my life.

I want my life back. I want to stop this constant loathing.

All I want is one goddamned tomato, and I cannot have even that.