Cursing the abyss

Thank god for Melatonin. Really.

Despite an angry/depressed fit of unrest yesterday evening about work and school and how I'm pretty much trapped into working a good 13 out of 24 hours of the day and how this consequently gives me little time to spend with the boy or even just relax on my own, I slept well. Depsite feeling hopeless and helpless and like I was chasing my own tail, I was not troubled with strange bad dreams.

Of course, crying to the boy about it all before bed helped too, but it was the Melatonin that kept me (mostly) blissfuly asleep through the night to wake relatively refreshed and over it today.

Sometimes I hate being a Cancer. Or rather, a smart Cancer. See, I know damn well that everything will be ok - hell, more than ok - in the end, and that while things seem to be going slower than a stoned slug in winter right now, once I do graduate a little over a year from now I'll look back and wonder just where the hell that year went. And I'll wonder what I was bitching about.

I know this. My emotions just like to conveniently ignore or refuse to accept it at times. Those times usually don't last long - an hour, two hours - but they leave me shaken and angry and feeling disgusted with myself for once again falling into a black hole of despair despite allll my firm logical reasoning with myself. This means that even once I'm over whatever dragged me down, I'm still feeling a bit ... yucky, and embarassed. So today I'm a wee bit disgusted at myself, but it's ok, because it will be ok.

I'm completely level-headed in so many areas of life. Why can't I be level-headed when it comes to stuff like this? Yeah, work sucks (really, really badly lately, so that even hours after I've been at home I'm still in a foul-ish mood) and school demands most of the time I'm not at work, but it's not that bad, and it's for a damn good cause.

I have a job. I have a place to live, and someone who loves me very, very much (did I mention we are talking about marriage, and have tentatively planned it to coincide with the break I'll be taking between graduating with my Bachelor's and going for my Master's degree? I'm excited!!!) I have amazing support for school from family, friends, and this man who will be my husband in a little over a year. I'm healthier than a damn good amount of the general population, despite arthritis, gastritis and a lack of physical fitness. I have a (mostly) level head on my shoulders, a pretty good grasp of financial matters, and aside from the rare Cancerian-nature-induced psychotic feeling, I'm usually a damn nice person no matter how much people may piss me off, disgust me, etc.

Life is good. It's jus really, really hard to see that sometimes, when the same nature that makes me so damn friendly gets in the way and makes me despair. I get over it, but it leaves me a little older and a little more worn each time.

I'm feeling kinda tattered, but I'm still in one piece. I just need to remember that when that yawning abyss of anger and helplessness opens up and beckons. The abyss will always be there and I need to learn how to get past it, or one day I'll fall too far and find I've lost my way back again. I don't intend to let that happen, so damn you, moodiness, and thank you friends, family, blogosphere and Melatonin.