I'm grounding me

My inner child is being a brat today. A whiny, snively, mewling, foot-stomping brat. Six-year-old-me-spirit refuses to "get with the program," i.e., do my schoolwork. I've been sick for the past few days, and so took today and yesterday off of work, and still haven't even started on the two assignments I have due tonight at 10 p.m. See? Right now, I'm blogging rather than researching such things as segmenting, targeting, positioning and differentiation.

Bad six-year-old-me-spirit. Go sit in the corner. (Wait. The computer is in the corner ...)

I feel rebellious this term. To date, I've bitched and frowned about every chat and assignment right up till the day it's due, then bitched and frowned till I had only hours left to do everything and get it turned in on time. Granted, I'm still getting fantastic grades despite this, but I think that's only because these classes are so very easy. If they were more challenging, I'd be failing.

And it would be my own damned fault.

I keep thinking about the future - what kind of job I want, what kind of house I want, where I want to live, etc. - and bemoaning the fact that I can't have any of that until I get my bachelor's degree. So, here I am, working on my bachelor's degree, and I'm completely fucking off this term.

The problem is, I'm mad.

I'm mad that until I get that degree, I'm stuck right where I am, which works but is very definately not desirable. I'm mad that the rent for this tiny, shitty, crappy, ass of an apartment with thin-paned, leaky windows and a screen door that's shorter than the real door, is being raised, starting next month. There have been no improvements, so why the fuck is rent going up? Oh wait. That's right - they re-did the tiny, crappy, open a whopping three months out of the year, swimming pool over the summer. No that we needed that. I'd be happy with better windows, really. Thrilled even.

I'm mad (still) that unless I do what I've been doing this term and blow off school till the last minute, I can't spend time with the boy. I'm mad that it's come down to doing my best in school or sitting on the couch and talking to the man I love. Or just sitting there, because all the words we have to say are bitching about work and we don't want to depress one another any more than we already are.

I'm mad that, knowing full well I'm being irresponsible, I still find myself mad at school and unwilling to read or reasearch or write any sooner than the day an assignment is due. I'm mad that no matter how mad I get at myself over this, it makes no difference. Oh, I'll sit there at the computer, logged into the virtual campus, staring at the task list. I'll even jot down a few notes on what to research and how to go about writing whatever paper is due. But that's it.

When it comes time to actually buckle down and do the work - in a timely manner, anyway - I just sit there. Stare at the screen. Grumble angrily. Visit cuteoverload.com. Visit mom's blog, my blog, your blog. Look at my school notes and get angrier. Get up, leave the room even though there's nothing else to do (because up till now I've blown off school by at least doing usefull things like washing dishes and doing laundry). Stalk the seven feet and back from hallway to kitchen (stopping to look in the fridge even though I'm not hungry, because eating isn't doing schoolwork) and plop down at the computer again.

And stare at the screen and cuss. Again.

And I'm mad on a purely prideful level, that despite this I'm getting great grades, so I can't even tell myself I'm messing up my GPA, in an attempt to get myself to just fucking do the work, now instead of later. At least if I were getting bad grades I'd feel the sting of my brattiness and quit it. As it is, I can bitch myself out over it all I want, but I have a bad habit of not listening to myself when I most need to, especially when I'm seeing A's. Worse - I know this but that doesn't change the fact. And that just makes me angrier.

I'm being entirely selfish. I know it, I hate it, I want to change it. But six-year-old-me-spirit knows just what to say to make me enjoy the selfishness.


"Just one more story in that book of short ghost stories, then we can get back to school work."

"Take a nap (you're sick, for goodness sake) for an hour or three, then you'll feel better, revived, ready for school stuff."

"One hour - just one hour! - of playing Sacred isn't that bad. Go ahead- get it out of your system. Then you'll be better able to concentrate on school stuff."

"What's on cuteoverload now? Have they added any photos? Have they posted that photo of Pib you submitted?" (So far the answer to that is no.)

"You need a snack. Make nachos. Then you'll know where to start on this project."

"Shave your legs. They feel like sandpaper. Who cares that no one but us knows this? WE know it, and we don't like it. Shave them now."

"Scrubs is on. It's a new episode! Come on - it's only half an hour ..."



I think I need to ground six-year-old-me-spirit.

Sigh. And, now that I once again have mere hours left before two assignments are due, I'll go on to the freaking-out-because-I-didn't-do-this-earlier stage. Pardon me while I go and create two more really undeserved A-papers.

Someone tell me I'm grounded. No more Sacred till the term is over. No cuteoverload or I Can Has Cheezburger till assignments are done (before they're due). And no more bitching, period.