Because pork needs love, too
As some of you may know, I have fallen victim to Myspace. Yeah, that's right: I spend hours a day posting stupid "surveys" just to pass the time. Most of them really are stupid and pointless - and is this one - but the big difference is this one is a fun kind of pointless. A co-worker, who is a tad on the odd side himself, made this one up, and I simply had to answer. It was too good to pass up. Becuase I find such oddity amusing, I'll tag a few others to answer it themselves: blue wren, of course, patrick, winter, and fatso. Answer, post, and tag.
C'mon; it's fun.
And so, on to the "survey:"
1. What is in your pocket?
A finger.
2. Is the pork ready?
No. It's having a bit of trouble buckling all those black leather straps.
3. Have you ever had to rock to and fro to make your poopie go?
You know, I've really never bee that fond of my poop, and the feeling so far has been mutual, so no. We're glad to be rid of each other.
4. Do you like onions?
Smell my breath?
5. So, how big is it?
Well, now, I don't want to make anyone jealous ...
6. Budweiser or real beer?
Real beer. Preferably german or japanese.
7. What do you feel about your nose?
It would be great if it would stop running at night. I wake up awfully tired in the mornings.
8. Children: baked or broiled?
Slathered with a good tangy sauce and broiled!
9. Do you like it when I do this?
You know it.
10. Do you like the sound of chickens?
Only when they're screaming.
11. Would Beyonce clip her own toenails?
I would hope so. Let's go ask her.
12. Do you like pork?
More than you'd think (see question number 2).
13. If the butter is soft, would the bus arrive on time?
No; the bus only arrives on time when the butter is hard beause that's when you're too busy trying to spread it on the toast to get to the bus on time.
14. When do you get up?
When my nose wakes me.
15. How did you survive childhood?
Lots of Band-aids.
16. What do you do before bed?
Tickle the pork.
Seventeen. What are your hidden charges? $4 every time I pick my nose.
18. Who's behind you?
There's someone behind me?!? Oh, this is it then. This is the end. I've really enjoyed the time I've spent with you all, and hope that you remember me fondly. I promise there will be good rum and whiskey at the funeral bash.
19. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?
Because that would be called porn, and you have to pay for that.
20. What's a soylent green popsicle?
An alien-poop-kabob.
21. What does it taste like?
Alien poop. You know, kinda like spinach, only more like an orange, with a slightly curry-ish aftertaste. It goes great with salsa.
22. Why doesn't Consumer Reports rate hookers?
You know I was asking myself that very same question when I was looking for a new pork the other day ...
23. Does George Bush replace the toilet paper tube?
I bet he has secret agents do that for him, just in case there's a terrorsit hiding in it. I mean, fully aoutomatic bazookas and tear gas and everything, just in case.
5 comments:
Wait, no really? Do I really have to answer this?!!
Okay since I have some time here at work I'll do so here:
1.What is in your pocket?
Nothing
2. Is the pork ready?
I’m Jewish, so I rock the kosher.
3. Have you ever had to rock to and fro to make your poopie go?
I just can’t, I’m sorry.
4. Do you like onions?
Yes.
5. So, how big is it?
What the onion?
6. Budweiser or real beer?
Again I can’t.
7. What do you feel about your nose?
I’m glad I have one.
8. Children: baked or broiled?
You aren’t suppose to do that I think.
9. Do you like it when I do this?
Ask questions? No I can honestly say I do not.
10. Do you like the sound of chickens?
Sure.
11. Would Beyonce clip her own toenails?
I would like to think she would keep it “real”
12. Do you like pork?
Again with the Jewish
13. If the butter is soft, would the bus arrive on time?
Are you trying to be all hip and cool by asking these questions? Because it’s working.
14. When do you get up?
6:00am every morning. Except on Saturday and Sunday
15. How did you survive childhood?
Pills.
16. What do you do before bed?
Pass out on the couch.
17. What are your hidden charges?
I am not a credit card company.
18. Who's behind you?
A wall.
19. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?
I saw someone in a movie once.
20. What's a soylent green popsicle?
Sounds healthy whatever it is.
21. What does it taste like?
If it’s healthy then I’m guessing like crap.
22. Why doesn't Consumer Reports rate hookers?
I have no idea, but it’s handy when shopping for a new car.
23. Does George Bush replace the toilet paper tube?
Don’t EVER say his name to me again. EVER. Understand?
Alright! here we go....
1. What is in your pocket?
Whatever it is, it's hapy to see you.
2. Is the pork ready?
Well, it was coughing up blood last night. I suspect it will be ready shortly.
3. Have you ever had to rock to and fro to make your poopie go?
No, actually. I eat a high-fibre diet. I prefer the "one-push-wonder".
4. Do you like onions?
Only daily.
5. So, how big is it?
I get no complaints.
6. Budweiser or real beer?
Budweiser is what you excrete after drinking REAL beer. I am a microbrew fan when i drink beer (which isn't that often)
7. What do you feel about your nose?
I have sunburned it so many times that it's going to have to get surgically removed one of these days.
8. Children: baked or broiled?
Sauteed with some onions. And garlic.
9. Do you like it when I do this?
Yes. Don't stop. More. Please.
10. Do you like the sound of chickens?
Yes. With chestnuts- roasting on an open fire.
11. Would Beyonce clip her own toenails?
No. She'd get some immigrant to do it. She'll get a nail fungus one of these days. I'm pretty sure.
12. Do you like pork?
Only slathered in onions.
13. If the butter is soft, would the bus arrive on time?
I don't eat butter. It spoils my girlish figure.
14. When do you get up?
Around 8. That is early for me
15. How did you survive childhood?
Lots of therapy.
16. What do you do before bed?
Choke the chicken. Polish the rocket. Flog the Bishop. Slam the ham. (Can I stop now?)
17. What are your hidden charges?
A fondle for being so fucking charming.
18. Who's behind you?
Probably the police. Dammit she told me she was 18.
19. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?
Because all actors (except the fat ones) are anorexic and they don't excrete.
20. What's a soylent green popsicle?
Something tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, 1984 Volvo driving socialists eat thinking it's good for the environment. Wankers.
21. What does it taste like?
It tastes like nothing. It makes the fuckers feel better than the rest of us, which is what they live for.
22. Why doesn't Consumer Reports rate hookers?
They should. I wonder if you'd give a higher or lower rating for siliconed tits?
23. Does George Bush replace the toilet paper tube?
I think he would if he only knew how.
So...am I a sick fucker or what????
OK, I'll do it. But only because it's you. I didn't raise you this way, you know.
1. What's in your pocket?
Yikes! No pockets! Where did I put my pockets?
2. Is the pork ready?
It depends on your definition of "pork."
3. Have you ever had to rock to and fro to make your poopie go?
When you reach my age, dear, this is called "entertainment."
4. Do you like onions?
Not particularly. But then, I hate to cry.
5. So, how big is it?
We are not going to talk about my caboose in a public setting. But I haven't needed to beep when I back up yet.
6. Budweiser or real beer?
Real beer. Oranjeboom is lovely.
7. What do you feel about your nose?
When it's working correctly, I'm rather partial to it. When it's not, I'd like to turn it in for a new one.
8. Children: Baked or broiled?
You're very lucky we didn't have a microwave when you were little, dearie.
9. Do you like it when I do this?
As long as you mean it and you smile.
10. Do you like the sound of chickens?
I get a big chuckle out of chicken noises, but it's a little weird when they're all gathered out by the front door, making that low, menacing "errrrr-errrrr" sound. Like they're waiting for fresh calf-meat.
11. Would Beyonce clip her own toenails?
She's young, so they're probably still nice and thin and easily clippable without resorting to garden loppers. I'd think so. But then she has a lot of money and pedicures are very decadent. I think she has them clipped by a professional.
12. Do you like pork?
There's that definition thing again.
13. If the butter is soft, does the bus arrive on time?
Is this a Zen question, grasshopper?
14. When do you get up?
Generally upon the 13th hot flash of the night, which means it's morning, I'm furious, sweating, growling and exhausted, and it's a damn good thing no one else is up then because it's still dark and murder sounds pleasant.
15. How did you survive childhood?
I retreated into my imagination, read lots of books and worked hard to become invisible. That last didn't work, but I'm still here, aren't I? Aren't I?
16. What do you do before bed?
Eat Tums and call the dog.
17. What are your hidden charges?
Wouldn't YOU like to know. You'll get my bill. Hmmm. That's 25 years multiplied by ...
18. Who's behind you?
Nanao Sakaki, Dylan Thomas, Jorge Luis Borges, W.B. Yeats, Peter Ustinov, Sam Harris and Anthony Shadid. Oh, and Leslie Marmon Silko and Marge Piercy.
19. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?
Only you would ask this question. But honestly, do we really want to see Tim Russert on the pot with his pants around his ankles? I thought not.
20. What's a soylent green popsicle?
A sweet summer treat for Charlton Heston.
21. What does it taste like?
I hear it tastes like chicken. Or pork, depending on which definition you prefer.
22. Why doesn't Consumer Reports rate hookers?
Beats me, but I'm sure there are plenty of porky guys out there who'd love the job.
23. Does George Bush replace the toilet paper tube?
I really didn't need that image, dear. Oh, ugh, worse than Russert. But to answer your question, I don't think Junior could figure it out on his own.
1. What is in your pocket?
A shopping list from the other day -- which is unremarkable, except that it clearly shows that I do not always wash my pants after a single wearing. Some people find that gross. Work pants, IMHO, can stand a few wearings before washing is required (especially in an office-setting such as mine). Jeans, however, can stand additional wearings until they're truly dirty (imho, of course).
2. Is the pork ready?
Isn't it?
3. Have you ever had to rock to and fro to make your poopie go?
I'm sure your friend has, or he wouldn't have been able to make up this question.
4. Do you like onions?
Yes, but mainly Vidalia onions (the sweet kind).
5. So, how big is it?
You mean IT, as in "the I.T. industry"? Pretty big.
6. Budweiser or real beer?
My favorite beer is Guinness. However, when I'm not drinking Guinness, it's usually Budweiser. Don't get me wrong, I love microbrews, ales, stouts, etc. But, for a day-to-day beer, I think there's a reason Budweiser is #1 -- a reason beyond Anheuser-Busch's marketing efforts. Budweiser is a fine beer. Someone has to say so... As my brother in law says, "Because U Deserve What Every Individual Should Enjoy Reguiarly." (I don't drink very often, though.)
7. What do you feel about your nose?
My eyeglasses (which I only use for reading the computer screen).
8. Children: baked or broiled?
Baked.
9. Do you like it when I do this?
I'm indifferent at the moment.
10. Do you like the sound of chickens?
Hate it.
11. Would Beyonce clip her own toenails?
I doubt that woman can do much else besides sing.
12. Do you like pork?
Well, I was raised in St. Louis. If I said "no," they'd dispatch an official posse to lynch my ass.
13. If the butter is soft, would the bus arrive on time?
No, per Murphy's Law.
14. When do you get up?
8:35 a.m.
15. How did you survive childhood?
Video games.
16. What do you do before bed?
Read.
Seventeen. What are your hidden charges?
I'd tell you, but that'd ruin the surprise.
18. Who's behind you?
Exactly. I ask myself that question all the time.
19. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?
They'd get electrocuted.
20. What's a soylent green popsicle?
More nutritious than most, probably.
21. What does it taste like?
Meat. Pork, possibly.
22. Why doesn't Consumer Reports rate hookers?
They probably do in Vegas, but those particular issues stay in Vegas.
23. Does George Bush replace the toilet paper tube?
Probably, now that Scooter Libby is gone.
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